It’s something I use to say a lot, especially when I was unhappy!
Well, truth be told, I was miserable.
Dripping with depression, sadness, loneliness, sorrow, and long lost feelings of never being enough and always missing the mark, I felt like a lost fish in a sea of unrecognizable creatures. Essentially, I was on the brink of dying.
I never felt like I ever fit in.
As a result, I chose men that were abusive. I chose to drink excessively, smoke tobacco whenever I felt necessary, binge on my drug of choice at the moment, essentially a rotating cocktail of different sorts, and secretly use food to pacify the loneliness when the alcohol and drugs wore off.
I reveled in the inconceivable extremes, the adrenaline of the ever swinging pendulum.
I was always testing it’s limits. Ultimately, I was testing me, pursuing a quest to see how strong I was….And whether or not I would survive?
Mac Miller’s suicide, Demi Lovato’s recent overdose and the self-induced deaths of Anthony Bourdain (one of my personal favorites) and Kate Spade reminded me that you never know what happens behind closed doors.
I’m still here. I never overdosed and I didn’t commit suicide, but there were many years that I obsessively contemplated what it would be like if I ended my life.
I asked myself repeatedly the same questions:
Would anyone be there?
Would anyone notice?
Would there ever be light at the end of the tunnel?
Today, the answer for me is a clear and astounding YES.
But back then, I had no idea! I was drowning and every stroke I took in that unending sea never resulted in enough air to know If I would survive.
The truth is that there are many that don’t find light at the end of the tunnel. Frankly, they never truly catch their breath. They prematurely end their lives or find themselves swallowed up by an incessant pressure that ultimately causes an internal explosion of darkness, insecurities, and pent up emotions.
We see it often. From an outsider’s perspective, they have hit their version of success. Unfortunately, just as I told myself many a nights when my first husband was drunk and beating me to a point where my face became unrecognizable, you never know what happens behind closed doors.
The truth is, most suffer.
Now I know it doesn’t have to be that way. However, when I was knee deep in the middle of it, I never thought there would be another way.
Depression & Addiction are real. They swallow many whole before it’s too late.
The Answer isn’t one sided: there is a plethora of possibilities out there.
For me, an extremist of all proportions, I needed a solution that was more passionate & pragmatic than the addiction.
I personally needed something that gave me more life than I had every experienced. In essence, an adrenaline pump of possibilities, freedom, air, and exhilaration to the nth degree.
Therapy didn’t work for me. I tried dancing it out, yelling it out, drinking it out, sexing it out, exorcising it out, punching bean bags, yoga, cupping, cranial sacral, massage, somatic psychology-ing it out, flying across the world to find healers to take it out….and yet nothing really came close to touching the pain points that I needed to change.
Finally, something did reach and influence those pressure points. I found Access Consciousness and a hands on healing modality called The Bars.
Everyone is different and everyone needs a different remedy, a cocktail of possibilities in a sea of drowning fish.
For me, that remedy was consciousness. Instead of fighting with my internal demons, I got to live with an incredible zest for all things ALIVE!!
I now know that when depression hits I have an infinite amount of tools to change it.
My hope is for those struggling, that they have access to tools to change whatever it is they feel is swallowing them whole.
For me, my medicine, was Access Consciousness and getting my bars run.
There is hope my friends….
And whatever it is, may you know wherever you are in your journey…you don’t have to suffer!!!